It's Something Unpredictable,

Our Homestudy Visit and the Drama Queens

2012-02-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

We had our home study visit. Everything went well. The house was clean, we were more relaxed this time around, and we had a nice conversation with our social worker. That is until we heard the indignant barking coming from the back door. Followed by a loud moaning that sounded like a dying whale.

Someone was not happy!

To be fair, the short one in the front was the barker. The mopey one in the back was the foghorn. And Wilson the lab - well he just wondered why he was locked out with those two deviants. (And by the way, they were locked out because we didn't want them to take turns sitting on our social worker's lap.)

Good thing the social worker didn't interview them. I can just imagine the list of complaints......locks us outside for half an hour! Not enough treats! Will not let us eat off her plate! Will not take us for walks in snow or rain storms! Leaves us alone almost everyday to go somewhere and she is gone for hours!!! Not enough belly rubs!! The mistreatment!! The horror!!!!!!

I would like to file a complaint with the owner of this establishment.

I wish there was a Pet Swap. You know, like Wife Swap, but with pets. Where we switch families so we can experience a completely different life style and appreciate what we have. I would even make it easy and switch with my next door neighbor. She owns a chocolate lab named Penny. She feeds her Ol Roy (apologies if that is what you feed your dog!) She leaves her outside for days with no access to the garage or inside of the house. Penny doesn't get much attention. I am certain her treat pantry and toy box are not as full as ours. And if I were a betting woman, I would say Penny does not get to sleep on the bed, a couch, or on her mom (all 3 of these spots are taken in our house on a nightly basis!). Maybe spending a week next door would teach my kids appreciation. Then again -it might also result in the unintentional addition of a second chocolate lab because I am certain Penny will not be running back to her owner once she sees how life is on the other side of the fence!

Thoughts on the Wait

2012-02-03T14:58:00.001-07:00

I came across this article and for some reason, it spoke to me.  Especially the part about burying hope and anticipation and somehow making it through the wait. The author in this article waited four and half years to become a mother. Can you imagine?

I remember when we first started this process. We took a class - one of the classes we all have to take - and there were several other couples in the classes, but two I remember. One was a couple who at the time had waited 24 months for a referral from Ethiopia. The woman had no idea when she could expect a referral and she was in tears describing how hard it was to not know anything. The other was a couple who had been waiting four years to adopt from China. They seem shell shocked, resigned to waiting another year or two. I remember feeling fortunate that our agency had projected only a 12 month wait. I remember thinking, these poor people, I hope I never have to experience that.

And now........Everything has changed. The Ethiopian program is entirely different.  I have absolutely no clue when we will receive a referral. Our agency projects a wait of 18-24 months or longer. We are approaching month 15. I know we won't receive a referral in the next 3 months. I'm doubtful we will receive one in the next 9 months.  I think we are going to fall into that "or longer" catch all category, which is probably the most accurate statement about the projected wait that our agency has made. Because they cannot, with any degree of accuracy, tell you how long they expect your wait to be.

So what is the plan? To wait, of course. I've never given up on anything that I've ever really really wanted (except George Clo*oney and only because his girlfriends get younger and younger and I am so not 28. Or single.)   I'll wait. It will hurt. I will cringe every time someone asks me if I am still doing that adoption thing. I will have doubts. I will cry, I will curse, I will threaten to walk away. But I won't. I can't. Inside of me, buried deep, is hope it will all work out.

Update

2012-01-18T17:59:00.000-07:00

So much has happened since last I shared

*Our homestudy agency is closing. Guess the news that they were going to charge waiting families a monthly fee did not go over too well. What that means for us is we have to start over at a new agency. And our home study is due for an update. The good news is our new agency will not charge us to do a whole new home study. The bad news is that instead of merely updating forms, we have to fill out everything as if we were a new family. But we are saving money which was really great on their part so the massive amount of paperwork is something we will just have to work through.

*Sent in our request to update our fingerprints. And today marks 14 months of waiting. NEVER EVER did I think we would still be waiting. And waiting at #'s 25 for a Boy and 35 for a Girl. I haven't posted our new waitlist numbers. One month we moved back, and then there was a long stretch of no movement. I'm not sure what to think. The optimist in me wants so hard to believe we can move 25 spots in one year. But the pessimist in me secretly believes that our time will never come.

*I am trying to keep myself distracted. We are refinancing our house at a really great rate and using some of our equity to remodel a few things. So in addition to the adoption paperwork, I have refinancing paperwork and trying to keep the two straight is maddening. I can feel the gray hairs growing. But it is fun to plan new projects, to pick out new paint and tile and vanities.

*We are planning another vacation. I looked at the list, checked it twice, and unless a miracle occurs, I figured there is no way we would be traveling much less receive a referral by early summer. So we are going to Peru! We figured we needed to make the trip before we are too old to hike Machu Picchu.

*And on the topic of age.....I constantly wonder what if our time is passing. What if our window for becoming parents is closing. Then what? How do you know when it is time to let go? Maybe some women are not destined to be mothers. Maybe I was destined to be a really great aunt.

I'm wrestling with a lot of feelings lately. I know I've been a bad blogger and I know I haven't commented or been very supportive to those of you that are also on this journey. I apologize. I'm just working through a difficult time.

Fortunately, I have a great support system.

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-24T08:31:00.000-07:00

Hope all of you have a wonderful holiday! We are off to grandma's house where twin beds, one bathroom and a fireplace that heats the house to a cozy 105 degrees await us.

No Friggin' Way

2011-12-08T15:27:00.000-07:00

There are days that I feel like this whole process is crappy. And today is one of them. Such a rush of emotions as I sit here wondering how much longer is this going to take. And the other question pops up quite a bit too. What if it doesn’t happen?

Our agency has come to almost a complete standstill with referrals. And although our official numbers are in the high 20’s, that doesn’t give me any confidence that we will have a referral in the next year. And it appears our agency has increased average wait times to 24 months. So while that does put us on track for receiving a referral next year (2 year date in November), the pessimist in me whispers that those anticipated wait times are on the low side of the actual wait.

Oh another question comes to mind. How much longer can I go on?

The investment in this process – not just the money, but the emotions, has been overwhelming at times. All I want is one child. One chance to be a mother. Is that so much to ask for?

What precipitated this pity party? Got a lovely letter yesterday from our local home study agency. They have decided to impose a monthly administrative fee of $125 on waiting families. This charge will continue until you are home with your child. If you don’t pay, they will close your file and/or discontinue working with you. Is it just me or is that a bit coercive? Either you pay or you have to start over with another local agency. And there is nothing about them refunding costs we have already paid to cover post placement reports and validation/finalization of the adoption.

It stinks. And of course it got me to thinking, how much longer. A year for a referral? 4-6 months to bring our child home? Do you realize how much money that comes out to? I’d rather spend that money on donations for our child’s orphanage than to give it to an agency that apparently operated on the assumption that all adoptions would be complete (yes court and all) within 12 months (that’s what they say in the letter).

What planet have they been on? Seriously – wait times for Chinese adoption have been years for as long as I can remember. When we signed on with them – oh and I might as well name them such is my fury at Adoption Alliance in Colorado- when we signed on they did everything they could to encourage us NOT to sign with AGCI and to sign with another placement agency. Why is that significant? Because at the time their recommended agency had a two year wait. So their justification for this “administrative” fee (adoptions are taking too long to complete we could not have anticipated this) is just an excuse. That is a lot of money for families to pay each month for “administrative” costs.

But they were ever so gracious to include a contractual addendum along with their letter. Sign and return they say agreeing to pay this new fee or else we will close your case. Why would I sign this? I know enough about contract law to recognize when something isn’t right.

Oh and I didn’t mention the perfect timing of this letter. We have to begin updating our home study next month. So we need to make some decisions. Don’t pay and risk our file being closed. Will that hurt us when we receive a referral and need to have our social worker sign it? File a complaint with some entity. Go to another agency to complete our home study update and ask that Adoption Alliance refund what we have paid them to prepare our post placement reports and validate/finalize the adoption. Or ….?? Any suggestions.

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T13:29:00.000-07:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

We're taking a trip this holiday. Not to visit family, just a vacation for the two of us. Last year I thought the Christmas cruise would be our last "just the two of us" vacation and this year we would at least be planning our travels to Africa. Silly me.

Anyway, hoping our travels are smooth and the weather is fine. I would hate to end up stranded somewhere like these two.

Anyone remember this classic exchange:

Neal: Del... Why did you kiss my ear?
Del: Why are you holding my hand?
Neal: Where's your other hand?
Del: Between two pillows...
Neal: Those aren't pillows!

No matter where we celebrate this holiday, we are continually thankful to have each other, our families, our furbabies and friends. Especially the friends we have met along this journey who just get "it" and understand our pendulum mood swings.

And Anne - He is beautiful and he is home. No other Thanksgiving will top this one.

How do you Measure a Year?

2011-11-19T06:57:00.000-07:00

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Moments so dear
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure - Measure A Year?
In Daylights - In Sunsets
In Midnights - In Cups Of Coffee
In Inches - In Miles
In Laughter - In Strife

One year ago today we were officially added to our agency's waitlist.

So how do we measure the last year?

In the number of places we have moved on the waitlist? (Down 40 on the boys' list and 57 on the girls' list)

In the number of times I have thought about our child? (too many to count)

In the number of times I have doubted whether this will finally happen? (see answer above)

In plans made? In wait times that have increased? In changes to the program? In times I have despaired?

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure - Measure A Year?
In Referrals - In Movement
In Changes in wait times
In Sorrows - In Prayers
In Strength- In Faith

I"m not sure how I will measure this next coming year. But I hope to measure it
in smiles (my child's),
in miles (the journey to Ethiopia),
in joy and in blessings.

Are You Gonna Eat Those Tots?

2011-11-01T13:54:00.000-06:00

Yes, I am married to Napoleon Dynamite's doppelganger. We had a great time this last weekend at a Halloween party. And the hubby wowed everyone with his sweet dance moves.

I insisted the hubby was such a natural born Napoleon (complete with nunchuck skills) that he needed to dress up to hand out candy. Of course he couldn't just hand out candy, he had to ask each kid whether they were gonna eat their tots, if they were going to vote for Pedro and if they did all their dreams would come true. The parents and older kids loved him. The younger kids were either thinking this is what my parents meant when they taught me stranger danger or this is where the neighborhood dweeb lives.

I love Halloween. Hands down my favorite day. There is the dressing up aspect which never gets old.

The kids, the candy, the Great Pumpkin.

My favorite costume of the night was a little boy about 3 years old dressed as Darth Vader. Yup. I can already see my husband dressed as Chewbacca leading our own little Darth around the neighborhood some day.

3 Years Ago....

2011-10-25T13:59:00.000-06:00

Happy Anniversary to us!

The Big S

2011-10-04T18:33:00.000-06:00

We visited friends from out of state this weekend. A couple and the beautiful newborn baby girl they adopted. Just one month ago they got a call and were told they were chosen by the birth mother and to fly out that evening to pick up the baby.

I would be lying if I didn't say I was envious. I would also be lying if I didn't say that the entire visit was difficult for me. I am so happy for them, but to see them beginning their family, holding their little one and being so in love with their child, all I could think of is when will it be our turn.

I think of our adoption every day. Every single day, several times a day. And lately the "when it happens" has been turning into "will it ever happen." Every day a little bit of me is discouraged and disheartened. Every day I feel a little less. I want this so much and there is nothing I can do but wait. And waiting sucks.

September Numbers

2011-09-19T12:08:00.000-06:00

We got our new numbers this week.

We are

No. 30 for a Boy

and

No. 41 for a Girl.

Some movement from last month which is always encouraging.

But seriously, I can't wait!

Sydney in Pictures

2011-09-06T17:46:00.000-06:00

Finally - after 3 months - the last post about our vacation! Sydney, in pictures.

We arrived in Sydney in the evening and went up to the hotel rooftop to see the city.

Sydney Harbour Bridge

Luna Park

Taronga Zoo. Sydney in the background.

6'4" is still not as tall as the average newborn giraffe.

What a life! Lounging around all day, no discernable talent. It's like she's a Kardashian.

Lou. She was not amused by Arthur trying to climb her tree.

Arthur aka Bad A**

It's Meerkat Manor meets Jersey Shore. Soaking up orange rays under the heat lamp.

Bendy Em, Street Performer. Watch Ladies and Gentlemen as she attempts to fit her whole body in that box.

It was cold in the Blue Mountains which explains the Eskimo and Una*bomber look.

The Three Sisters.

They latch onto you as they eat from your hand. Very cool.

Mr. Demille, I'm ready for my closeup.

Was the dingo eating the baby?

Tasmanian Devil. Those teeth are huge!

Whaddya mean you're out of chips?

Stopped at the Chocolate Bar for some needed indulgance.

Did we just eat the whole thing?

Made entirely out of legos.

Sydney Aquarium

I'd rather be texting/

Walking across the Bridge at night.

Goodbye Australia. Hope to make it back someday.

Livin' on a Prayer

2011-08-26T15:03:00.002-06:00

We're halfway there, livin' on a prayer, take my hand
We'll make it I swear, livin' on a prayer.

Half way to what? Half way down the wait list. Half way (9 months) through an estimated 18 month wait to referral.

Our original numbers were 67 - Boy and 95 - Girl.

This month we are

Number 33 on the Boys list

Number 47 on the Girls list.

Hope the second part of the wait is a little easier on the heart than the first half.

Throw Another Shrimp on the Barbie

2011-08-09T16:57:00.000-06:00

After leaving Melbourne, we headed to Cairns. Let me say this about domestic Australian flights - nothing like the U.S. We thought we would have to be there 2 hours ahead of time, deal with unfriendly airline staff, stand in long freaking lines, be groped by the Australian equivalent of TSA (ah the perks of travel) and have my curling iron once again be mistaken for another handy appliance (It has a cord. Shouldn't that be a clue it isn't what you think it is). Nope. People here are friendly, the lines are short, I didn't get fondled and my curling iron escaped scrutiny. And bonus - you can take your water bottles in also. Wow.

Anyway, we arrived in Cairns which was the warm weather portion of our vacation.

The next day we took a snorkeling excursion to the Great Barrier Reef. I was determined to snorkel which really doesn't mean anything unless you know that I don't swim. I don't even float. But I had some grand plan that involved my nieces, floaties, cursing and life long humiliation. Thank goodness for plan B, a patient marine biologist, a life vest and the tour of a lifetime. Seriously it was like being inside Finding Nemo. There were clown fish - actually fish of just about every color- and beautiful coral all around you. Amazing.

This picture doesn't do it justice.

I nicknamed these two Marlin and Nemo.

Tired of snorkeling, they worked on their tans.

Photo of me without makeup. About as rare as a Yeti or Loch Ness monster sighting.

The next day we were off to the town of Kuranda. We took the scenic railway up the mountain and the cable car on the way down. There were also a few stops along each way to walk and explore.

Next stop was Hartleys Crocodile Adventures! Those suckers are huge. And deceiving. They float along lazily in the water then bam! They leap out about 8 feet. You definitely do not want to have your arm sticking out taking a picture.

This guy has worked with crocs for 15 years and still has all his limbs!

There were also other critters.

Reason #187 why I never raise my hand when they ask for volunteers from the audience.

Later on we found the wallabies and koalas.

Koalas are pretty much like this for 16-18 hrs a day.

But they perked up a bit when we were there.

Until the Sydney recap, I'll leave you with the lyrics from this soothing Australian ballad.

Come to Australia

You might accidentally get killed

Your life's constantly under threat
Have you been bitten yet?
You've only got three minutes left
Before a massive coronary breakdown
Come to Australia
You might accidentally get killed
Your blood is bound to be spilled
With fear your pants will be filled
Because you might accidentally get killed

And the Award Goes To.....

2011-08-04T12:26:00.000-06:00

The Coveted Award for Insensitivity, that is.

But first the nominees.

1) My mother for her comment "What you and Marc need to do is go to _____ Church and pray. I have heard of people who had trouble having babies go there and pray and they come out pregnant." (Really, Mom? They come out pregnant? If so, there is something more than praying going on there. I'm just saying.)

2) My niece for telling my mom "Nana, don't tell Theresa that. You know she can't have a baby. She's too old." (I appreciate your zealous defense small fry, if only you had left out that last sentence)

3) A "friend" - "Maybe you should just forget about babies and stick to dogs." (Maybe I should slap you silly)

And the winner is...........

Needless to say I am in a crabby mood this week.

G'Day Mate

2011-07-24T12:39:00.000-06:00

Days 1-4 of our Australian vacation. Melbourne and side trips outside the city.

At DIA and on our way to LAX to catch our Qantas flight to Melbourne.

Gianna, Brittany and Michelle

The flight from LAX to MEL was 16.5 hrs. That is by far the longest plane ride I have ever been on (previous record 13 hrs to China). We were on the A380 and that was such a nice plane. Hundreds of movies, shows, games to keep you occupied. The seats were comfortable, the restrooms just a bit bigger and the self service snack bar was sweet. But after 12 hrs we were ready to land.

Once in Melbourne we wandered the city and visited the Aquarium and the Old Melbourne Gaol.

The next day we went to a chocolate factory, a Koala Conservation Centre and the Penguin Parade at Phillip Island.

Penguin at Phillip Island Visitor Centre.

We could not take pictures at the penguin parade, but it was the cutest thing to see the penguins waddle right past you up the beach as they went to their burrows for the evening.

The next day we took a drive along the Great Ocean Road. Stopped to feed some birds.

The birds showed their gratitude by attacking us.

We took a walk in the rain forest.

I cannot resist a random dog shot.

The Twelve Apostles. The scenery was stunning.

London Bridge

The girls were very amused by this sign.

Coming up - The Great Barrier Reef!

Anti Dentite

2011-07-21T17:11:00.000-06:00

With apologies to dental professionals everywhere.

Going to the dentist is never a pleasant experience for me. Granted my routine cleaning today was not exactly this

there is still something icky about having somebody poking around your mouth.

What is the appropriate caption for this picture?

Please Mum, may I eat her?
Jump in my belly!
Puppy. The other white meat.
Get out of there you little heathen.

Numbers and Dreams

2011-07-18T16:06:00.000-06:00

We got our new numbers for July!

On the Girls' List we are

Thank you Betty and John.

And on the Boys' List we are

And since we have received our numbers, we have gone down at least 3 more numbers on the boys' list and one on the girls' list. How awesome is that!?!

Well the "dream" part of this post is this weekend I had a dream the husband and I were in Africa. Ethiopia to be exact. We were shopping and picking out items and just so excited to be there. We had just arrived and hadn't yet met our little one. And while gender wasn't mentioned, it just felt that we were there to meet our son. This isn't the first dream I have had about our child. Shortly after we started this process - 13 months ago to be exact- I had a dream we adopted a baby boy. He was in my arms, snuggly, wrapped in a baby blue blanket. It is amazing how dreams can feel so real and wonderful you don't want to wake up.

Now I know dreams are not prophetic. I mean if they were boy would I have made out. Literally! Several years ago I had a dream these two were sitting on my living room couch.

Jeter was on one end of the couch sulking for some inexplicable reason. A-Rod was on the other side, smiling and flirting. And I was the filling in this Yankee sandwich feeling quite like Scarlett O'Hara at the barbecue. That is until this guy decided to interfere.

Wilson comes up to me, panting in the way only he can, which means he needs to go outside. NOW. So I excuse myself and let him out telling him to go potty and hurry. But the boy decides to take a full service stop so I impatiently close the patio door and return to my guests. A few minutes later I hear a tapping on the patio glass. I get up to investigate and Wilson is floating and he is now a vampire dog. Way to go Wilson! It was the ol turn into a vampire dog to prevent mum from having fun with the Yankees trick and I fell for it.

Come to think of it, Wilson figures prominently in quite a few of my dreams. I wonder if he waits until I fall asleep to enter my subconscious Inception style. I remember another dream I had of the boy and I. Coming to America at the turn of the century. We were on the front of a large ship, much like this

Only I think my boy - who I refer to as the Brad Pitt of chocolate labs - is ever more handsome than Mr. Di*Caprio.

Oh and two words that sum up why I am glad dreams are NOT prophetic. Ryan Sea*crest. That was just weird. Maybe someday I will explain. Or not.

June Numbers

2011-06-23T05:57:00.000-06:00

I was just so busy returning home and unpacking and catching up on work, I forgot to post our June numbers.

We are

for a girl and

for a boy.

No Worries

2011-06-17T17:29:00.000-06:00

Yep. That was a phrase that I heard over and over again in Australia. So much so that I decided to live by it during our vacation. We had a wonderful trip. The girls loved Australia as did Marc and I. Lots to see - I'll do a trip report for those of you (one of you) that are interested.

The other great part of the trip was me just letting go. Not worrying about wait lists or numbers or referrals or when and what ifs. Just totally letting go and enjoying the trip. And while the subject came up in passing (wouldn't it be nice to come back someday with the little one) it wasn't obsessed over. I should clarify that I am the one with the unhealthy obsession. And my time away just confirmed to me that I need to step back. I need to stop stalking blogs and my agency's list serv, stop trying to calculate average wait times, time to court and embassy and what agencies are referring while my agency is soooo slow lately and more whys and whats and whens. It felt, and feels good (being back a week) to just chill out a bit. Me worrying does nothing to make this wait any easier or faster. I just have to trust that it will happen and in the time it is meant to happen.

No worries.

And June 19th won't be moping about our anniversary date of being accepted into the Ethiopia program. No June 19th will be a Father's Day celebration. Marc and I, like some couples with no children and spoiled pets, celebrate this day (along with Mother's Day) because after all, if you knew our "kids" you would appreciate just what great dog parents we are and how much we love these fur babies who make our lives so interesting and fulfilling.

I need to live in this moment and appreciate what I have now. We've got it pretty good right now. Marc and I. And the kids. And the girls. We need to just enjoy it. No worries.

Our Numbers

2011-05-15T08:42:00.000-06:00

Just got our May update from our agency.

We are

#45 on the Boys list and

#57 on the Girls list.

We also received word that we should now expect to wait 12-18 months from receipt of our dossier to referral. I expected that so it really wasn't "news' to me. We have now been on the wait list for almost 6 months.

It's just wait and see mode now. No one knows how the changes in Ethiopia will affect families from receiving referrals or bringing their children home. I'm trying to stay busy and not think about when we might receive a referral for our little one. So far I have been completely unsuccessful. I try to stay positive. It's hard though. I won't lie. I remember back 10 months ago when we worked our butts off to get all our paperwork notarized and ready only to sit back and wait almost 3 months for our homestudy to be drafted. And it would have taken longer but I fought (yes a few angry emails and calls to our local agency) for it to be completed. Once we were on the list I told myself ok relax. Just chill and enjoy the time to do couple things - vacation, movies, eating out. But I haven't been so good. I have my moments. I look at the toys and books and clothes I have been given from my nieces and sisters and I wonder, when.

I know this next year of waiting will be excruciating. Even more so than taking the bar exam......or having a kidney stone....(although now that I think about it, I was young, single and the ER doctors and nurse resembled McDreamy, McSteamy and oddly enough, C*urtis Stone.....)

I just hope this journey doesn't turn me bitter or into a weepy depressed mess. I hope I can muster the strength and grace so many others who have waited so long have shown. I hope my faith will sustain me and in the end I will be a mom.

Excited About our Upcoming Vacation!

2011-05-04T06:00:00.004-06:00

Very soon we will be here,

seeing this

and this,

and swimming or something like it, in this

Every year my husband and I take one or two "big" trips. It usually involves foreign travel and we are so fortunate to have visited some amazing places.

Several years ago I promised my oldest niece that when she graduated from high school I would take her on a vacation to the country of her choice. She had a tough time narrowing her choices down to about 5 places: Egypt (too hot in the summer and thank goodness we nixed this early on); Japan (again thank goodness); Prague, Italy and Australia. I was torn between taking her to Italy, which is just an amazing country - and not just because of the gelato - and Australia - a place I had always wanted to visit. After discussing with my husband we decided to take her to Australia, because as we thought at the time, with a little one on the way, taking a trip like this (15 hr+ plane ride) might not occur for many many years.

Well somehow the trip evolved, or rather the guest list evolved. I couldn't take one niece without taking her sister. After all, they are quite the entertaining package. Never mind that this is supposed to be a graduation trip and the younger sister is years away from graduating. And my other niece was not about to be left behind. So am I brave, naive, or delusional for taking 3 young ladies to Australia along with my husband? Oh we can count the white hairs when I return and find out.

So off we go. Now I am so busy confirming reservations, packing, catching up on work (why do we spend so much time trying to catch up on work to go on vacation, only to come back and be so far behind? Maybe we should forgo the catching up - after all we are only going to be behind anyway).

Such fun - If anyone has ever been to Australia and has any travel tips or suggestions, please share!

Yes!

2011-05-03T05:51:00.000-06:00

2 referrals were given out by our agency yesterday for infant girls. Need I say more other than

So happy for these families!
Praying they are able to bring their babes home soon!

It's You. All of You.

2011-04-27T17:05:00.002-06:00

You all are the reason I am convinced I am NOT crazy.

Because if it wasn't for this blogging world I would be convinced that I am crazy. I mean who else spends most of their waking moments thinking about a child they have never met? Who else obsesses over movement on their agency's wait list? Who else thinks about boy or girl, how old, nurseries, toys, clothes, hair, when, if, how long, and the list goes on . . . .

All of us. We do. And we understand when someone else posts about their worries or frustrations with the wait because we are going through the same thing. We understand this journey because we are on it. Together.

And it is so nice not to be alone

5 Months Waiting!

2011-04-18T17:02:00.000-06:00

That is how long we have been on our agency's waitlist. I remember the huge sense of joy, anticipation and relief when our dossier was accepted and we were given our first numbers.

67 Boy

95 Girl

We were also told that wait times had decreased to 9-12 months from placement on the list to referral. I told myself to prepare to wait a year thinking surely by next Christmas we would have a referral.

Ahh now things have changed.

Our current numbers are

47 Boy

63 Girl

Some movement, but not enough to meet that 9 month period. Even a year wait seems unlikely unless it is a year from today. We have adjusted our expectations and now pray for a spring 2012 referral. Hopefully, hopefully then we will have a little one bless our lives, that we can love on and parent.

I remember a line from the movie When Harry Met Sally - “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with a person, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

Oh Little One - When we realized we wanted to spend the rest of our lives as your mum and dad, we wanted the rest of our lives to start right now! But it isn't time yet. Someday baby. Someday.

Happy Birthday

2011-04-14T01:00:00.001-06:00

Guess who is 40 something....Yep Mr. Word. He really is a sweet, patient and kind person. He is the only guy I have ever met who can calm my fiery Latina personality. He makes me laugh everyday and is always up for an adventure especially when it involves travel. And he loves my shows (Oh yeah I got him hooked on Project Runway and America's Next Top Model). He is also a great "dad" to the furbutts. So Happy Birthday to the only person I could ever imagine sharing my life with.

Crisis Averted

2011-04-09T16:16:00.000-06:00

This isn't meant to be a political indictment (well maybe a little) nor do I want to incite any political debate. As a government worker I just want to express my frustration with this whole budget fiasco. Was it necessary to wait until the final minutes of the evening to agree on a budget deal? Was it necessary for Congress to force federal agencies to spend countless hours this past week, not on doing their jobs, but developing contingency plans for a possible shutdown? Was it necessary to scare people into believing they would be furloughed (possibly without pay) or that they would not receive essential government services? And while we are talking about pay - Congress if you are going to deny almost a million federal workers a pay check, you should look into forgoing your pay during that time also.

I had a little more peace of mind than some. My job is primary law enforcement so there was never really a concern whether I would be down and out. Not so for many others. And this comes after many federal workers had their pay frozen for 2 years. No raises, no cost of living adjustments (thank you Mr. President).

I'll get off my soapbox for now.

In other news, well there really is no news. We are in a holding pattern. We are still 50ish on our agency's waitlist and not really knowing how the new MOWA review will affect referrals and placements. So now we are thinking about doing things that we hadn't thought we would be able to do - taking a vacation this fall and possibly again next spring. Buying another car. Selling our house, buying a new house. Trying to keep busy and do something other than think about how long it may be before we have a little one join our family.

We are Casey's Parents

2011-04-03T06:00:00.001-06:00

Any American Idol fans out there?

Well a few weeks ago my husband and I were watching American Idol. Right before each singer performs there is a brief montage of their journey to AI and in this show there was a brief interview with each contestant talking about their home life, parents, etc., One of the contestants, Casey Abrams, spoke about his parents saying they were a little older than his friends' parents - cut away to an older looking couple.

I turned to my husband and I said we are Casey's parents. Or we will be. I am 40 and my husband is a little older. We don't feel too old to be parents. And today lots of people are waiting to become parents. But the reality is, we may be in our 60's when our child graduates high school and college.

This seems odd to me because I was a freshman in high school when girls my age had babies. They are now grandmothers (at 40!) while I'm still waiting to become a first time mom!

But I think waiting to start our family has been best for us. So while we may be that older retired goofy couple loudly cheering on their kid at sporting events and plays (or chess and debate if he/she takes after me), we wouldn't have it any other way.

What's Going On

2011-03-30T18:24:00.000-06:00

I wouldn't be lying if I said that the past month has been an extremely difficult time for me. Believe me - all you have to do is bear witness to the new cluster of white hairs on my head. They all seem to congregate on the front of my hair in a nice little Cruella patch. All I need is a long cigarette and a white coat to complete the look. Oh and 98 more puppies which I would have if my husband was a pushover and I was a hoarder.

Nonetheless, I had said some time ago that I was going to take up some new projects to keep me busy while we waited. The first project was learning how to crochet. I am 2/3 of the way through the class and I am master of one stitch. Ok master is the wrong word. For those of you who know anything about crocheting (and the rest of you can either have your eyes glaze over or you can skip down a few paragraphs) I can usually tie a slip knot in about a minute. I can chain stitch. Single crochet? ok. Double quad, half loop treble axle salchow with a twist- you got me. I gave up making a granny square this weekend. Only took me 15+ attempts before I threw the whole batch of yarn on the coffee table and cursed like a Deadwood character. My granny square sucked b***. (Been hanging around the 10 and 14 year old nieces lately)

But I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I have improved since that first class. When I came home with my first project and showed my husband he burst out laughing. 5 years together and he still has not mastered the inner laugh (which is related to the inner voice, things he would love to say but can't if he ever wants to feel the touch of his wife again).

All I want to do is learn how to crochet a baby blanket. Desperately trying to find a silver lining in this whole MOWA anticipated increase in wait times/slowdown in processing, I figure I may just have enough time to learn how to crochet a blanket. A year should be enough time, you think? Or at the very least I should be able to crochet a washcloth, maybe? A washcloth consisting entirely of single stitches. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Well once class ends in 2 weeks I'll most definitely continue with the crocheting. Rumor is that once you master this skill it is meditative. And I figure if those people are wrong at the very least it would induce a life long fear of yarn and needle perhaps even supplanting my all time fear of klowns and enabling me to visit the circus or Circus Circus. And for the school teachers out there, I know how to spell klown - I just add the K because it makes it seem so much more evil.

Oh and just for those of you who keep track - Our new numbers for March are 54 on the Boys List and 69 on the Girls List. Our actual numbers are a little lower. Our agency had a flurry of referrals in March and families are not removed from the wait list until they return all their acceptance paperwork which can take some time. We are anxiously awaiting our April numbers next week. Wow. It alternates between time flying and time creeping so slowly.

And for Anne - congratulations. I wouldn't be honest or human if I didn't admit that the news of your referral tweaked my heart a bit. But a little voice told me this is not my time yet. I am genuinely happy for you. Your journey began over two years ago and your grace and resolve in the obstacles you have faced has been inspiring. Please keep blogging about your journey and I will definitely hit you up for travel tips and mommy tips when my time rolls around.

Loss

2011-03-22T18:17:00.000-06:00

My family suffered an unexpected heartbreaking loss. My brother passed away. He was a loved and cherished father, son, brother, uncle and friend.

HOPE

2011-03-10T10:34:00.000-07:00

The news this past week about the slowdown in adoptions out of Ethiopia hit me hard. Yes, I was crushed. I did the ugly cry. Pity, Table for one. I felt despair as I wondered whether I would ever become a mom.

What if all Ethiopian adoptions cease? That is my real fear.

The wait is hard, but that is what really scares me. If this door closes, would I have the strength (not to mention the finances) to start another program? Would I even qualify for another program? Could we afford domestic adoption?

I've been struggling with such horrible feelings - anger at myself for wanting this so much, helplessness because there really is nothing I can do, grief at the prospect of never being able to look into my child's eyes.

I have walked around these past few days on the verge of tears, like a zombie, feeling envious of my friends with children, of anyone with children.

Adoption is hard. It opens up feelings of you being a failure. You have to open up the most private aspects of your lives to total strangers to prove that you can be good parents. My social worker knows more about my innermost thoughts and feelings than my best friend of 25 years! Adoption makes you grieve. You have to come to terms with knowing that you will never feel your child grow inside of you, that you will miss out on those precious first moments of your child's life, that your child will not have mommy's eyes and daddy's smile. And you open yourself up to believing that your dream of becoming a family will be realized. At the same time, adoption is not certain and things can go awry. You have to face the prospect that it -parenthood- might not happen.

It is so hard to describe. What word do you use to describe a vast emptiness? Not becoming a parent - that prospect feels like such a huge emotional void. That something inside you is missing and can never be filled.

I cannot go on feeling this way.

I realized this morning I cannot wallow in these feelings. Instead I need to focus on other emotions.

Gratitude. I am lucky to have a wonderful husband and family. I have a good job, an education, a nice house. I have food to eat and a warm bed in which to sleep. I have many blessings.

I also have Hope. There is a part of me that, even as this adoption threatens to crash down, still clings to Hope. Even if it takes much longer than we originally anticipated, we will wait. And Hope.

And I will remind myself that there are far worse tragedies in the world and I should feel incredibly lucky to have the life I have. To simply be alive, to have my health, to have loved ones.

And the true irony is that anyone who knows me would say I am not an optimist. But I think that if I focus too much on what ifs and what nows, I will miss and dismiss everything that is in front of me.

Thinking

2011-03-03T18:20:00.000-07:00

Recently Courtney from AddingAstons wrote on her blog about how many times a day she thinks about the child she will adopt. Innumerable.

Her post made me stop and reflect on how many times a day I think about the child that will someday be mine. Innumerable.

This is what I think about:

I think whether we will adopt a boy or girl.

I think about names.

I think about how old he or she will be when we receive our referral.

Is he or she even born yet?

I think about our referral call - when will it come? How will I react?

I think about our child's story.

I think about seeing that first photo - soft skin and curly dark hair.

I think about traveling to Ethiopia. When will we go? How long will I take off from work?

I think about Hannah's Hope.

I think about walking through those gates.

I think of how I will feel the first time I see my child in person.

I think about our child sleeping, smiling and laughing.

I think about how wonderful a father my husband will be.

I think about how he will look with our child in his arms.

I think about how much our lives will change once our child is home.

I think about how those things that seemed so important - dining out, movies, lavish vacations - won't seem so important anymore.

I think about toys.

I think about baby clothes.

I think about children's books and reading to our child.

I think about crib bedding - giraffes, puppies or geometric prints?

I think about where our child will sleep.

I think about what color to paint the baby's room.

I think about my mom meeting our child.

I think about my nieces babysitting their cousin.

I think about how much time we will take off from work to cocoon with our baby.

I think about which one of us will become the stay at home parent.

I think about pediatricians.

I think about bottles and diapers.

I think about how many times I am going to have to call my sisters and friends and ask "what do I do?"

I think about zoos, pumpkin patches and visits to Santa.

I think about a woman on the other side of the world who will give life to my child.

I think about meeting her.

I think about what I will say to her. Will I ever be able to convey my gratitude?

I think about whether I will be a good mother.

Every day - in some manner - I have these thoughts.

I am so looking forward to the day we have our child in our arms - When we become a family.

I.M. Patient

2011-02-28T17:30:00.000-07:00

I'm still here!

Wow has it been this long? I wish I could say we were doing something exciting and that is why I haven't had time to blog. But the truth is, we haven't. Unless you measure exciting by how many Oscar nominated movies you can watch before the Oscars, then we are a hoot.

No I have to admit I have been a bit down about the wait. You see I am not the world's most patient person. I hate lines. I go shopping and to restaurants at off hours to avoid a wait. I am up early on weekends to grocery shop at 7 a.m. Oh yeah. I drag my poor husband to the earliest early bird movies at 10 a.m. to avoid the lines. There is nothing like buttered popcorn and soda for breakfast, yum yum. And when I can't avoid a line, I want it to move. I want to see progress. Like a Black Friday line. Yes, I hate lines, but I love bargains. So the day after Thanksgiving I head out, brave the crowds and stand in HUGE lines to get great deals. But there are usually a gazillion checkers and lines are moving people!

Otherwise, for those times I cannot avoid a line, and it is not moving quickly, I can feel my inner monster just itching to rear it's ugly head. Frustration. Grrr. For example, security lines. Come on - 3 ounces or less, shoes on the conveyor, take your change out - who hasn't heard of this?

So you can imagine that being on this wait list has been somewhat of a challenge for me. I can't complain though. I understood what I was getting into. There was full disclosure about how this wait thing worked. And let me tell you no matter how much I dislike lines, I am a stickler for waiting your turn - no cutting line! So all I can do is wait. I was so good the first 2 months. It flew by. Then I looked at the numbers and realized - this line isn't moving. There is no progress. Agh! I was so bummed.

But with the referrals that have been coming in as of the last few weeks, my mood has picked up. Still, I realize I have to be more patient. Not all months will be like this. The matching of child to parent is something that is accomplished on God's time and I need to realize that it takes time to make sure he gets each match just right.

So to head off the line uglies I am going to start new projects. First up is tonight. I joined a class to learn how to crochet -Something I have always wanted to learn and hopefully a project that keeps my mind off of this line thing. I hope.

Posting

2011-01-20T09:05:00.001-07:00

First let me say I really wish I would post more! But this week I have been working a few extra hours since Marc is having Lasik surgery and I need to take off to drive him home. So my cushy schedule now has me driving into work at 6 am and driving home well after 5:30. Between cooking dinner and trying to keep up with my New Year's resolution to stick to a workout routine (running), not much time. And of course the furry ones are all over me from the moment I walk in the door. You try to type while a 95 pd mutt is head butting you for attention.

This is the Chief Head Butter.

But just wanted to give an update. I emailed Kiersten about the FDL letter and our generous parameters of 0-12 years. She said this could be ok, but since we had time we should try and get USCIS to issue a new letter with the correct information. She gave us an email and phone number.

So after contacting the agency, they agreed to change it! We should get a new letter this week. At first the woman told me "I did your letter and I would not have made that mistake." I had to bite back a response (but you did). She then said ok I'll send a new letter, no problem.

So as soon as we get that letter, we will send in our notary sheets and be referral ready.

Not that it means anything will move quickly. No referrals in how long? Weeks. We've only moved 4 spots on the boys list in 2 months. I can't imagine how the families that are #1 or 2 or 3 are feeling right now. Our prayers are with them.

Good News and Not so Good News

2011-01-13T17:17:00.000-07:00

First the good news. We had our biometrics appointment just last Friday. When I got home yesterday, in the mail was our Favorable Determination Letter. That was quick!

Hold off on the celebration- our age parameters are 0-12 months but the FDL lists it as 0-12 years. I sent a copy to AGCI this morning asking if we need to contact USCIS about changing their mistake. I haven't heard back yet. Dang it - if we do need to change it who knows how long it will take.

It's always something.

Meet the Kids

2011-01-11T18:46:00.000-07:00

WILSON

He is my constant. Named after the ball in Castaway, he has been my most wonderful boy for almost 10 years. He is loyal, loving, goofy, always ready for a treat, a walk or a ride. He loves to swim almost as much as he loves pancakes and peanut butter. He has been with me through so many changes in my life, always resting his head on my lap whenever I felt down. He loves everyone he meets and has a joy for life. He only needs two things to make him truly happy - his mom and food, and not necessarily in that order.

ROXIE

My shelter dog. I adopted her almost 8 years ago. She is beautiful, inside and out. She is protective, yet loving. She especially is fond of children. The UPS guy, not so much. She is a 95 pd lap dog who loves to give kisses and to cuddle. Her favorite food is bologna and quite possibly rabbit. I call her the neighborhood sheriff as she tries her best to maintain order on our street. She is a sensitive girl who has made such strides since her days as a scared shelter pup. She is my heart.

KENLEY

Can you say Diva? Kenley is my 2 year old Jack Russell Mix. She is the smallest member of our household, but she pretty much runs the show. She is tenacious and tends to be vocal when she is not happy which is anytime she is not getting attention. She loves chews, wrestling with her brother, following her sister, and cuddling with mom. And yes, she has dad wrapped around her paw as well. Her motto is "I will not be ignored!" She is my babe and life is certainly more interesting with her in it.

So here they are. The good,

The Sweet,

And the Goofy.

This is the family.

How We Came to Adopt

2011-01-06T17:22:00.001-07:00

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to have children. I have wanted to be a mom.

Adoption didn't enter my mind back then. I just always assumed I would give birth to my children.

I first thought of adoption in 1998. At that time my older sister and her husband started the process of adopting a baby girl from China. I remember reading updates of their journey and thinking wow. When they brought Katie home I was so happy for her.

I think I started thinking of adoption as something I might do back in 2002. At that time I moved to Colorado. I work for a government agency that allows me to work in different areas of the country if there is an opening in my field. I have worked in the Southwest, Northeast and Pacific Northwest Regions of the United States. But moving to Colorado was special to me because it meant being as close as I could get to my family, all of whom live in New Mexico.

I remember discussing marriage and children with a close friend. I remember saying I could accept not getting married, not finding the right person to share my life with, but I would feel so incomplete if I were to miss out on being a mom. I wasn't in a relationship at the time and maybe I was a little jaded from the relationships I had been involved in, but I do remember saying I did not want to go through a pregnancy alone and if I were still single at 38, I would adopt internationally.

But things don't always go as planned.

In 2003, I became seriously ill. I developed a blood clot in my portal vein and was hospitalized for several weeks. The doctors were unable to determine at the time what caused the clot. While I have recovered and have not developed any other blood clots since then, I have been told by several different doctors that they do not recommend I become pregnant. That the hormonal changes that occur in your body with pregnancy could cause me to develop another clot. That the increased blood flow that occurs in your body with pregnancy would tax the one major vein that was damaged by my previous clot. I remember fighting back tears as I heard this time and time again. I remember the dual feeling of being punched in the stomach and having my heart ripped out as my dream of motherhood faded. It was during this time that I researched international adoption, requesting information packets, but still for some reason holding out.

In 2006, I met Marc. I knew almost immediately that he was the person I would share my life with. I remember telling him early on in our relationship that while I wanted to be a mother, I could not have children. That if he wanted to be a father, and he wanted to be with me, he would have to be open to adoption. Luckily for me he was.

In the midst of our dating, our engagement and planning for our wedding, I again looked into international adoption. And for the first time I came across the Ethiopia program. I think at this time I assumed we would adopt from China or South Korea. But something about Ethiopia was calling to me. But I'm not sure if I was stubborn or scared, but it took a while to listen.

I visited a couple of different doctors hoping that one would tell me what I wanted to hear. They didn't. I responded by closing off a piece of myself. I didn't mention family or children to Marc. We traveled quite a bit and we discussed all the places we wanted to travel in our lifetime, all the adventures we would have together. Just us two. I consoled myself by becoming a mom to 3 furry faces - our dogs. And I became possibly the coolest most generous aunt to my two nieces.

I was in denial. Every time a celebrity announced a pregnancy, every time a co-worker became pregnant, every time I was asked by someone - when are you going to start having kids, you're not getting any younger. Every time these happened I felt little pins being pushed in my heart. I would acknowledge yes I wasn't getting younger, but we'll see. I didn't owe anyone an explanation of my health or fertility status, but people can be cruel even if it is unintentional. As a defense mechanism I almost gave up the idea of motherhood. To his credit, Marc never pressured me. I think he was waiting for me to resolve my feelings. And I chose, at that time, to abandon my dream. But I was never at peace. Every question about starting a family, every baby picture I would see, updates from family and friends about their families were all constant reminders of what I was missing out on.

So early this year I began looking again at the adoption literature. And again I was drawn to Ethiopia. Of course I had questions and I had doubts. But that is where this wonderful tool came into play. The internet, the blog. Reading the stories of other families who had journeyed to Ethiopia, sharing their struggles and witnessing their joy, it became evident to me - I was meant to adopt from Ethiopia. My child will come from this wonderful beautiful country.

So this summer after 2 years of marriage and as I was approaching turning 40, I told Marc I think it is time. We looked into different agencies, narrowed down our choices and finally decided to apply. And it was as if a heavy burden was lifted from me. All those doctors who told me I couldn't become pregnant, never told me I wouldn't become a mother. I will. I have a different path to motherhood and I feel such indescribable peace now. Never have I felt so certain about any decision I have made in my life. This is right. This is how it will be. And I am so in love with a child I have never met. I am so grateful to a woman I have never met.

And here we are. Six months later we are on the wait list. We are anxious to become parents, terrified of becoming parents, daunted yet excited by the challenges and the joys that parenthood will bring.

Introductions

2011-01-02T12:14:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone

Welcome!

This blog is intended to be a record of our lives and hearts as we embark on our journey to our son or daughter in Ethiopia.

The lowdown.

In 2008, Marc and I got married. Marc is a Project Manager for a technology company and I am a government attorney.

In June 2009, we applied to All God's Children International to adopt a baby boy or girl from Ethiopia.

We are on the wait list with current "official" numbers of 66 Boy and 89 Girl.

More to come on how God led us to adoption. But for now excuse the sparseness of this blog. I am a child of the 80's and technologically challenged. I will slowly adopt a more pleasing aesthetic, I hope! Any suggestions are welcome......